It's a constant battle to keep the voices down in my head. They're always telling me, "That's wrong." "Why can't you finish what you start?" "It's not good enough." "Almost but not quite!" I keep thinking "If I was just a better wife, mother, daughter, friend, woman then I could...." But I'm not, am I? Nope! That's what they tell me anyway.
What makes it worse is being around a group of people, any people. It could be family or close friends, people I love and respect, it doesn't matter. It seems like every little comment they make is directed to me on how I'm not measuring up. "Well this is how I do it!" or "This works for me, in my house, at my job, in my relationship." It's hard enough trying to fight off the voices, now I have to hear it from these people too! Ugh!
This is my life I guess. It's never going to measure up so why do I work so hard at it!? Does anyone understand or appreciate how hard I work trying to get it just right? So much of my life spent making 'it' just a little bit better and then, maybe, I will finally be comfortable and proud of what I accomplished.
I try to reassure myself that the comments aren't directed at me because I am not good enough but that it is just people making conversation. I try to reassure myself that people love and accept me and my performance at life so far. I try to tell myself that people do want to be around me just to be around me and not so they can pick apart every little thing in my life to point out that it's however wrong they think it is. I try.....but then the voices, the comments, the looks....
Only God could create something so perfectly beautiful. "Peace like a river..."
I know I am a perfectionist and those close to me, I hope, know this about me too. If you didn't before, now you do. I wanted to share this about myself because I thought it would be good to get it out of me. Maybe if it's 'out there for all to know', then I can start to relax. What do I need to do that? Not exactly sure but I think some grace, some unconditional love, a reminder every once in a while that, whatever 'it' might be, it's good enough just the way I did it and there need be nothing more to make it a little better. I am not perfect, I never will be. God is perfect, His way is perfect, His love is perfect and, bonus, it's unconditional! All I need to do is accept it......How perfect is that?!