I know I am a perfectionist and those close to me, I hope, know this about me too. If you didn't before, now you do. I wanted to share this about myself because I thought it would be good to get it out of me. Maybe if it's 'out there for all to know', then I can start to relax. What do I need to do that? Not exactly sure but I think some grace, some unconditional love, a reminder every once in a while that, whatever 'it' might be, it's good enough just the way I did it and there need be nothing more to make it a little better. I am not perfect, I never will be. God is perfect, His way is perfect, His love is perfect and, bonus, it's unconditional! All I need to do is accept it......How perfect is that?!
It's a constant battle to keep the voices down in my head. They're always telling me, "That's wrong." "Why can't you finish what you start?" "It's not good enough." "Almost but not quite!" I keep thinking "If I was just a better wife, mother, daughter, friend, woman then I could...." But I'm not, am I? Nope! That's what they tell me anyway.
What makes it worse is being around a group of people, any people. It could be family or close friends, people I love and respect, it doesn't matter. It seems like every little comment they make is directed to me on how I'm not measuring up. "Well this is how I do it!" or "This works for me, in my house, at my job, in my relationship." It's hard enough trying to fight off the voices, now I have to hear it from these people too! Ugh!
This is my life I guess. It's never going to measure up so why do I work so hard at it!? Does anyone understand or appreciate how hard I work trying to get it just right? So much of my life spent making 'it' just a little bit better and then, maybe, I will finally be comfortable and proud of what I accomplished.
I try to reassure myself that the comments aren't directed at me because I am not good enough but that it is just people making conversation. I try to reassure myself that people love and accept me and my performance at life so far. I try to tell myself that people do want to be around me just to be around me and not so they can pick apart every little thing in my life to point out that it's however wrong they think it is. I try.....but then the voices, the comments, the looks....
What makes it worse is being around a group of people, any people. It could be family or close friends, people I love and respect, it doesn't matter. It seems like every little comment they make is directed to me on how I'm not measuring up. "Well this is how I do it!" or "This works for me, in my house, at my job, in my relationship." It's hard enough trying to fight off the voices, now I have to hear it from these people too! Ugh!
This is my life I guess. It's never going to measure up so why do I work so hard at it!? Does anyone understand or appreciate how hard I work trying to get it just right? So much of my life spent making 'it' just a little bit better and then, maybe, I will finally be comfortable and proud of what I accomplished.
I try to reassure myself that the comments aren't directed at me because I am not good enough but that it is just people making conversation. I try to reassure myself that people love and accept me and my performance at life so far. I try to tell myself that people do want to be around me just to be around me and not so they can pick apart every little thing in my life to point out that it's however wrong they think it is. I try.....but then the voices, the comments, the looks....
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| Only God could create something so perfectly beautiful. "Peace like a river..." |
I know I am a perfectionist and those close to me, I hope, know this about me too. If you didn't before, now you do. I wanted to share this about myself because I thought it would be good to get it out of me. Maybe if it's 'out there for all to know', then I can start to relax. What do I need to do that? Not exactly sure but I think some grace, some unconditional love, a reminder every once in a while that, whatever 'it' might be, it's good enough just the way I did it and there need be nothing more to make it a little better. I am not perfect, I never will be. God is perfect, His way is perfect, His love is perfect and, bonus, it's unconditional! All I need to do is accept it......How perfect is that?!
I stopped trying to be a perfectionist a long time ago. I got fed up with the stress that I had built up and pretty much said, "screw it! if people don't like me for me...then it is their loss!"
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My dear Niece,
ReplyDeleteI used to feel exactly like you. I think it is part of the age you are in and how you are learning in life. You are a new wife, new mommy and your own household to run. You would be surprised how many people DON'T think critically of you on anything. The one thing to always remember is that YOU do the best for your family, yourself and others, that is what you control. Sometimes you will make wrong decisions, maybe not do the right thing for your children or husband, but the most important thing is to LEARN from it. You will find that with each decade of your life those things will matter less and less, you will have a whole bunch of experience behind you and that there are most important things in life to think about. Remember, perfectionism is a no win battle! I think your pretty special.
Love, your Auntie